You Are Enough

This morning my mum rang and said something about my work towards the end of our conversation. We were video chatting and the connection had been weak throughout our conversation, but just in that moment, I didn't hear her anymore. I was so keen to find out what she had to say! But the connection remained rubbish, as if it wasn't meant to be. I think at the beginning she had said something along the lines of being proud of me, but the call kept cutting out. By the time it got better again, she had moved on to suggesting I'd have a look at someone else's IG account and how well she does it. Unfortunately the connection remained rubbish and shortly afterwards we had to finish our conversation anyway, as she had to get to an appointment. Can you guess what went on in my head?

You know, I have done so much self-development work and self-reflection, that I thankfully noticed my thought patterns as they unfolded after I hung up the phone (do we still do that? Hang up phones? :-)

The first one being "Listen to music and go for a walk", which equals for me: push the discomfort of your emerging thoughts and emotions away. Which really never works.... It's just pushing them down. Inside your body. Hurting you there. Continously, until you find them again, and deal with them. 

The second one being the interesting way my brain twisted her words, turning them into "not being good enough". Which is rubbish in case of my mum. She has always been my greatest supporter! 

If you are interested, let me take you on a journey exploring all of this in greater depth. 

I immediately noticed what was happening, that I was trying to run away and not experience. One of some of my coping strategies from my childhood. I consciously forced myself to stop, and take care of myself instead. I allowed myself to notice that a part of myself felt deeply hurt. I even managed to cry a little bit. And instead of ignoring this pain through listening to music, or walking, or eating, I decided to allow it, to go to the bathroom, feel my emotions, while nurturing my body with dry brushing and applying lots of nourishing oil, grounding into what is, while looking after myself and caring for myself. I have a Vata imbalance, and the common Vata symptom of dry skin, especially at the moment, with winter just being around the corner. It's one of the best ways to nourish my physical body, and thus always also my soul. And today it was my way of holding myself, while allowing my emotions to emerge. 

I allowed my emotions, and almost immediately noticed that they were telling me a lot of bullsh**. But I didn't censor them. I decided to sit back and watch what wanted to play on my inner mental screen today. This is the story I watched: "I am not good enough. I am supposed to look at someone elses account to see how it's done better." 

I dearly hope my mum is not going to read this blog post, or if she does, that she will read all of it.

Because I know it's not the message she wanted to give me at all! My parents have always supported me. Alright, in their way, and with what was available to them in any given moment. which I think is the best we can do. That might not always have been what I needed in that moment. But I am a mother of four children, of which one is 16 at the time of me writing this post, one is 13, one was born still, and one is seven. I have witnessed time and time again, how misunderstandings have arisen between me and my children, or how I reacted in a way that wasn't in alignment with what my children needed from me in that moment. Sometimes I had to be that way because I needed to protect them, but other times I "failed them" because of the stories, fears or circumstances I am stuck in or experiencied in that very moment. But it's not that simple either. It also depends on the story they have about themeselves already. Of which I, as a parent, have naturally contributed a lot too, but not only. 

My parents have always cheered me on, and tried, to their best ability, to support me as much as they can. To see me for who I am, and allowed me to express that. "Being not enough" is not something I experienced as such! 

And yet it's there. And I have often wondered why. And, I think, I also figured it out over the years due to being a mum myself. I was always enough. I know, that this is not what a lot of children get to experience, but I have always felt "I am enough" and I have always felt unconditional love from my parents. They have always given me the feeling that I am a wonderful person, full of potential to walk her path, whatever that might be. And I am fully aware of how blessed I am! I am eternally grateful for this experience. 

But... as individuals we are stuck in our own stories. As parents we are still humans, not perfect robots, who are 100% perfectly equipped to raise our children in a way that suits them perfectly. We have opinions, we have problems, we have fears, we have beliefs, we have lifes and circumstances too, trauma and pain included. 

So with all of this, why do I have this story of not enough? In my case, I think it's owed to some circumstances, my nature, and this: people wanting to help each other, paired with the way our brains are designed.

Our brains have a negative bias. It aids our survival. About which a lot of us don't need to worry that much any more, if we were honest.... But the negative bias is still a feature in our brain, and that's probably not such a bad thing. However, it can stop us from progressing. If you have never heard of the negative bias, please google it! It is so helpful to know about the brain's negative bias!  

So, I think what has happened is this: my mum loves knowledge and on top of that she is someone who loves to help. And she can help! She is a hands-on person! A visionary! Here to save the world! Of course I am her daughter ;-) She is also a true inspiration. She lives by her principles, steps in and up, and let's her passions guide her her way! She is a force to reckon with, but ever since I have looked at her Human Design, I am no longer surprised by that :-) She is Manifesting Generator with all four motor centres defined! She has ENERGY! 

Anyway, like almost every person on this planet, especially in the Western world, she tries to help through suggestions. I do the same. But as children, when we are still growing and developing our ways, talents and skills, these suggestions can carry the message of "not enough" when this is not how it is always meant by adults. But it's what comes across....

We are so proud of our work and walk up to the adult, just to be told off (because maybe we emptied out the soil from the plant pot...), or we were told how something could be improved (by drawing a person's eye in the right place for example). As a child my heart often sunk. I had been so proud, just to find out that it wasn't the right thing to do, or that it could have been done better....

Now, from an adult perspective we can see the situation for what it was: emptying out the plant pot was another item on mum's already endless to-do list, and probably not something anyone would ever appreciate. Which is something the child is still learning. But the feeling you get to experience as a child is disappointment and getting it wrong. The same is happening with the intention of helping the child taking their drawing skills to the next level. It was never criticsm (or maybe it is sometimes, but I believe a lot of the time it is intended for the child's benefit!) but it's what the child in their emotional high of "being proud of myself" perceived. 

And to be very clear: I am NOT a fan of parents having to get it right. I think that is impossible! The reason I am mentioning it here is this: it is worthwhile revisiting your childhood pain and the stories you created out of that and revisiting them without self-judgement (such as "I should have" or "if just x") and looking at them from an adult perspective with curioisty and compassion! Because you might find, that your parents did their best. Not all, I am fully aware of that! Some are downright evil. And I am not talking about those! But as a mother myself, I have experienced how quickly a child can misunderstand and misinterpret you, but also, how quickly you get it wrong, because you are stuck in your own story and circumstances!

For example, let's say your parents didn't support your dream of making it as a musician and instead suggested you do something "proper". Maybe that's not because they think you are a terrible singer, or don't think you have what it takes to be successful as a musician. Maybe they were too scared to think outside the box and it felt safer for them if you became a doctor, lawyer or engineer. For obvious reasons: good money, safety, and status! Especially when you look at it from a historical perspective!! But I am digressing....

In short: my mum is someone who always wants to help to make things better and can always see a way of how that could be done! When you pair that with my nature of constantly questioning myself, which I have been doing for as long as I can remember, I can see how the story of "not good enough" was able to unfold in my life and my circumstances. It was not because I was not good enough. I always was, and still am to my parents. Even today they still support me, even though they are really not spiritual at all. They are scientists, deeply rooted in physics & co. So, my work is a bit, or a lot, "woowoo" to them, and yet they have never tried to talk me out of it. I consider "letting be" a form of deep support too.

So, what happened at the phone call where I understood almost nothing due to the bad connection? My brain tapped right back into my inner child, that felt she didn't do well enough, that someone else was better and that she should go and check out how it's done properly. But is that true? Was that the message my mum wanted to give me this morning?

I really don't think so! However, my brain was fast to travel down that route! 

And just for the record: my mum didn't always criticise my work when I was a child!! Not at all!!! And it has absolutely never been her intention. It still isn't to this day! She can trigger of course. But it's part of her magic sauce. She is not someone to give up and has a long track record for being right in the end, bringing lasting improvements to this world. She is a wonderful person and now that I have processed my emotions, I am actually looking forward to her advice!

But I am also proud of myself today for not falling into my usual trap of running from my emotions, dumping them somewhere in my body, in the hope of never feeling or seeing them again. Because I know from my own health journey how much havoc unattended emotions cause. 

Since I mentioned woowoo stuff earlier, let's close this blog post with some of that :-)

Through being with my emotions and nurturing myself, my emotions calmed down and I was able to notice what I described above: 1. my instinct-like attempt to run from, or cover my emotions. A protective and well automated mechanism. 2. How fast my brain travelled down a familiar route, despite lack of evidence! I actually don't even know what my mum said! The quality of the phone connection didn't allow for that! Crazy, isn't it?

But I noticed a third thing: the timing. Now, I am a Libra. Libra is a so-called cardinal sign, and if you are into astrology you will know that Pluto is going to move from Capricorn into Aquarius next Tuesday. A massive shift and eagerly anticipated by all cardinal signs! Which are Capricorn, Aries, Cancer and Libra. For these Zodiac signs a 15 year long cycle of massive transformation is finally coming to an end.

At the beginning of September Pluto "moved back" into Capricorn one last time for the next 250 years or so. From an astrology perspective, the interpretation is, that these last almost three months of Pluto being in Capricorn, help you to finish off the 15 year long transformation Pluto has guided you through. Whether that is true or not, I leave up to others to prove, but I can say from my own experience that I have definitely gone through a massive transformation since 2008.

Depending on whether you use whole house or placidius astrology, I have my Sun and Pluto in my 8th or 9th house. I can totally relate to both. And the last three months I have absolutely been confronted with my deepest doubts and shadows. Leaving the difficult ones for the finale! But because I know about astrology, I know that this is for me and I have sat with all these doubts and pains. The last three months were definitely intense! But at the end of this journey I have a support and guidance team around me that I couldn't be more grateful for! I am no longer walking this path alone. I probably never did.

And I don't think that me not being able to understand my mum's words was a coincidence. Coming face to face with my inner child, that only wants to move forward with mummy and daddy's approval is not how I can walk my path. At least not in the way my inner child requires approval. Because I have my parents' approval and support. They are just not mentioning all the time how amazing I am. And maybe I am old enough to not need that anymore all the time. 

I think Pluto has taught me so many lessons, that I would have resisted learning if he hadn't supported me in his tough-love kind of way. I have truly come to love and appreciate his death, rebirth and transformation energy deeply, even though I was on my knees a lot. But I would never have risen into the person who I have become without his constant reminder that I am so much more capable.

The Goddess card I have pulled most often the past three years is Kali. In Hinduism she is the Goddess of time, death and destruction. But just like Pluto she knows how much more capable you are and is doing all she does for you out of love. 

I love and appreciate them both. And I am grateful I do, because my Ascendant is in Aquarius :-) So here is to the next 19 years of transformation! 

To me, life has become a journey, an unpredictable adventure to be enjoyed in its entirety, including the sh** days. At the time of writing these words, my playlist is playing the song "Glow in the Dark" by Vian Izak and Ekaterina Shelehova. And that is exactly the lesson Pluto and Kali teach you! And it's a beautiful lesson to get! If you can see how things are happening for you. Not to you.

May my words support and help you on your path, and allow you to trust in yourself and that you are enough the way you are! Have you ever explored your story of not being good enough? My greatest friends are curiosity, compassion, love and reflection. Never reflect without the other three through. They are an amazing support team. Trust yourself and your light, maybe it shine brightly x