As a child I had a deep inner knowing that I am here for a reason, that I have a purpose. I think this inner knowing might be quite common for children. Maybe you had it too? Over the years I learned from my environment, that that was not true. My childhood was non-religious and non-spiritual. I learned that we had talents, interests and skills that we could aquire. The only problem was, that I couldn't figure out my talents or interests. I didn't seem to have any obvious talents and almost anything can be interesting to me. I never had a favourite subject, sport or hobby. Depending on the teacher I found a subject more or less interesting, but I was always able to be good at all of them. Sport was never my thing, neither was learning an instrument, and on top of that I was incredibly shy.
The deep knowing that I have a purpose stuck with me all my life but I couldn't figure out what it could be. Nor could I figure out what I wanted from my life. Or what job I wanted. It wasn't for the lack of trying figuring it out, I tried hard, did tests that were available at the time (and there were few.... the internet hadn't really grown into what it is today in the mid nineties), I spoke to others, talked to adults, read job discriptions.... But I couldn't work it out. Nothing sounded like a fit. And when I tried something it seemed like nothing sparked my interest long enough. The only thing that always interested me was talking about the meaning of life! But I didn't want to be a philosopher. Maybe an author.... but I had no stories in my imagination that wanted to be written, nor felt I called to a subject other than life and that let me straight back to being a philosopher - and while I loved studying what they had to say, I didn't feel I had anything to say.....
So I kept listening to adults when they spoke about their jobs or lives. As well as to my teachers and friends. And it seemed everyone had figured it out, apart from me. Today I know of course that that wasn't true at all. But at the time it's how I perceived it. Because I was good at school, I simply continued to attend it until, after my Masters of Business Administration, I was faced with having to choose.... But I was still as helpless as I had felt 10 years prior. I had no idea what to pursue. So I went with what I found advertised in the job sections that I might be qualified for. First I started a phD and was really looking forward to it. Next I went abroad and worked as a transport data analyst as I love both data and analysis. My third job took me into corporate where I worked in inside sales. All three jobs drained my life energy and whereever I went, the same thing happened: I couldn't find the fire and motivation I know I am capable of. And worse, my life energy drained to a point I had hardly any energy left, even outside work. I just felt exhausted. Not because my jobs were that demanding, none of them ever were. Worse still, whenever I left a job I felt liberated, free and my energy would return... After three very different jobs in very different environments and circumstances, all leading to the same result in my life though, I couldn't help but notice that the only common nominator was: me....
I am an analyst by training and by heart, and one of my biggest strength is probably compassionate self-reflection. So this thought, that the only common nominator in my career misery was me, paired with feeling so drained and being physically ill with Colitis Ulcerosa, I felt something had to change. But what? Every time the same old question returned like a familar demon: What should I do? What was I good at? What was I interested in? Did I maybe have a purpose? I had no answer to these questions.... But it wasn't just my job. If anyone had ever asked me: "Kerstin, what do you want from your life?" - I would have burst into tears in desparation and embarrasment. I had absolutle no idea. Not even at the age of 40! Through life experience more demon questions had crept in too - could anything ever motivate me? Was I too lazy? Too undisciplined to pursue anything hard enough so interest, knowledge and fire would be the reward at the end of a long dedicated journey? And the biggest one: what was wrong with me???
However, by now I also had three children here with me and one angel baby, which all kept me on my toes, paired with a very busy social life with plenty of volunteering. I was always stretched for time.
Then the pandemic came and over night I lost my busy life that had covered so well how terrible I felt inside. Having more time for each other my husband and I started going for daily walks and it was on one of those walks in June 2020, when I suddenly stopped and said "this is not the life I signed up for. I don't want to die, I don't want to lose you or the kids, but this is not my life".
Deep down these words cracked something open. Paired with plenty of alone time, while at the same time trying to work more to cover for my husband's losses, financial fears and homeschooling, I couldn't deny the darkness inside me anymore. The walks had shown to me how weak I had become physically too and I couldn't help but acknowledge that I had been hiding a lot from myself. That I had covered it up with busyness, that now had been stripped away from me. I had panic attacks every other night. They had started in 2014, after our son's stillbirth. Fear and anxiety had developed a tight grip on me over the years. Noone knew really. I didn't want to know. I wanted it to go away and never acknowledged the full extent to neither myself nor anyone else. Very, very few people even knew that they existed at all. I didn't allow myself to notice them. So they got louder but only at night did they feel unbearable and only at night I couldn't escape them. And at night I was alone. Once the day had started, everything was better and brighter again.
I am by nature incredibly positive and always sense the positive and potential in everything. I find joy in a lot of things and I love laughing. Only in hindsight can I see what had happened and the spiral downwards. I hadn't noticed how depression had crept in. I was fine when I was with others. So I kept myself always busy! But this also had started to take its toll.... At home I couldn't cope with noise for years, I didn't cope with my chores, felt overwhelmed and needed to be alone a lot. I wasn't able anymore to be the wonderful mother I had been prior to our son's stillbirth. I tried. I really tried. But there was no energy as soon as we got home. There was unbearable sadness and so much fear. The only way I could cope was allowing my children to watch TV, while I withdrew inside. Not sure where to. It was all very blurry. Because I felt so overwhelmed I lost my temper quickly with my kids and I didn't want to be that furious dragon that seemed to pop out so regularly. Where did it come from? What was wrong with me? So I withdrew. I felt exhausted and often just sat somewhere starring into space. I will never forget when my youngest came into the office one evening, then three years young, and asked "do you need to be alone Mami?". I was horrified that at her young age she had learned to read the signs already. What was even worse, that I heard myself say "yes" and she turned round, left the room and closed the door. I felt so ashamed, low and incapable. I have also no idea why I never felt the need or urge to talk to someone. But there was that weird mechanism that I was fine as soon as I was around other people. Neither did my children ever complain about watching TV, and I kept it at nice DVDs or advert-free channels for the little ones. But of course that didn't really make it better. Shortly after, the pandemic hit and being stripped of my busy social life, I could no longer hide.
My protection mechanism disappeared literally over night and being faced with myself the panic attacks increased in intensity and frequency over the summer of 2020. Again and again the sentence "this is not my life" popped into my head and I just knew I HAD to find my life. I also knew I had to do that on my own and that I was capable of that, and that I would find my answers within. My doctor couldn't help me as I neither wanted anti-depressants (I wasn't suicidal and I wanted this to go away) and I also didn't want to go away for a few weeks as this wasn't about needing rest. It was about re-setting my life, re-building it. I had done therapy and it had been incredibly helpful but, while this rooted in my past, it wasn't about my past. It was about my future. Of course my past was stopping me from living the future I wanted, but the problem was I didn't know what future I wanted! All I knew was that this wasn't my life. But what was my life then? I also knew I couldn't solve this in conversation with friends and family because we are all stuck in our stories and limiting beliefs. I knew I needed to radically challenge my life and well, I knew from experience, most people are uncomfortable with change. Plus, you want to comfort a friend in need. But I needed radical change. I needed something that would help me to find a way out and not help me to find comfort in where I was. And as mentioned above, I was fine in company.
Thank God we are no longer in the mid-nineties and by now the internet can be this incredible resource for information, help, inspiration and support, that we don't necessarily find locally. Of course it has its very dark sides too. But for me, in 2020, it was a blessing. First I found Mindvalley and through Mindvalley I found Lifebook in December 2020. I put all my hope into this program to find my life, my future - the life I had signed up for. And it did deliver, it was a deep dive into myself, envisioning my future, the life I signed up for. Lifebook is an incredible tool and if my story bears some similarities to yours, check it out. I am not an affiliate. It's a simple, yet so genious system and has changed my life. It has probably been the most important tool on my journey to the life I signed up for! I will share what Lifebook is and how it helped me in a future post.
If my story has resemblence to yours, I hope I can encourage you to consider that you have the power to re-write your story too. Just because it didn't work out so far, doesn't mean it can't in the future.
Trust yourself, be curious and compassionate with yourself. You need yourself. And you are capable.